*Parents hope and dream of their children ‘s success. The key to their success is nurturing them to become the people they are meant to be.*

Introduction

I just wanted to prepare children for success and fulfillment by guiding them based on their readiness. How I got discouraged from teaching is not the point of this story. Let’s just say that this was a pre-school set in the low-income neighborhood of El Barrio where I grew up, and was more concerned about federal funding than it was about giving the children the advantages they would need to have successful and fulfilling lives.

I went to law school for the options a law degree could give me. I’d sit in class wondering how I could teach the the concepts I was learning at various grade levels beginning with preschool. After law school, I found myself teaching preschool again. This time I was in an environment that suited my values in its approach to teaching. This school catered to children from upper-middle class families. There were, however, stark differences between this school and the one in El Barrio; I consider myself privileged to have taught at both.

After:

earning an undergraduate degree in child development with concentrations on psychology and sociology,;
serving over 25,000 parents, over 10,000 children directly;
clocking over 25,000 teaching hours with an average of 30 children per teaching hour;
teaching all levels of education from preschool to college;
working as a government attorney;
volunteering time working with special education students;
serving as a community leader, this is what I learned.

My Observations

The parents in El Barrio, and neighborhoods like it, I would later learn, sat at the opposite end of the guilt spectrum from upper-middle class parents. Both showered their children with materialism:

one out of a need shield their children from want, although they could barely spare it;
the other comfortably drew on discretionary income to make up for time spent away at work.

When I decided to practice law, I work in what is known as “poor law.” Poor law involves families that usually cannot afford lawyers: the family courts, housing courts, and in special education. My experiences as an educator, government attorney and civic leader gave me insight into how education systems, government policy and civic engagement impact parents and children. They also gave me insight into various parenting styles.

Certain parenting styles are causing problems for children and are limiting their ability to grow into themselves. Parents naturally want the best for their children and spend a lot time worrying about heir children's lives, education, and upbringing. Some parents feel that a child can't succeed if they aren't involved in their lives, others don’t seem to consider it.

Children left to their own devices without adequate parental supervision are at risk of entering the school-to-prison pipeline. Those that escape this route tend to develop certain characteristics that destined them for success. They are the ones who were fortunate to meet caring adults along the way that gave them a hand They are the fortunate to a certain extent.

At the other end of the spectrum, are the parents who want to ensure that the children are successful by preventing every possible happening and supervising every detail. These are the children with a check-listed childhood. Parents, naturally, want to make sure their children are safe, healthy, fed, and watered, but take it to the extreme. They make sure their children go to the correct schools and get the right grades. Not just the grades, not just scores.

They also want to see the accolades, awards, participation, leadership. They are told to start a club because that’s what colleges want to see. Check the box to do community service. Show colleges that you care about others. All of this is accomplished to a desired level of perfection. These are the children who are expected to perform at a level that is beyond their ability. These are the children who parents push, coax, hint, help, haggling and nagging to make sure they don't screw up, close doors, ruin their future or get denied admission to some college. Here's how it feels to be a child in this unchecked childhood.

The Negative Impact

There is no free time. There is no time for play in the afternoons. Everything must be educational, something my own father believed, but I digress. They think that every bit of homework, quiz, and activity are a key to the future they envision for them. We absolve them from helping around the house (not me) and even getting enough sleep, as long as they check off their checklist. Parents say that they want their children to have happy childhoods. But when they get home from school, the first thing they are met with when they return home from school are questions about their grades and homework. They see that their parents approve of them, that their parents love, that their very worth, is from A's. They don't ask what they might be interested in as an activity or studying when they reach high school.

Counselors are called and they tell them, "What should I do to get into the right college?" When the high school grades begin to pile up, and they get some B's or worse, some C's in high school, they text their friends and ask, "Has anyone ever been accepted into the right college?" These children are breathless, no matter where they end up in high school. They are fragile. They are a bit burned out. They feel a bit old and regretful. They're now suffering from high levels of anxiety and depression, and many are asking themselves if this life was worth it. On the other hand, parents think it's worth it. It's almost as if they think that their children have no future if they do not get into the small number of colleges and careers that parents have in their sights for their children.

The Unintended Consequences

The message children are getting is that their worth is determined by their grades and scores. They also get the message that their parents don't think that they can achieve any of these things without them. This behavior negatively impacts children because they are being deprived of self-efficacy. This is a fundamental human trait that is far more important than the self-esteem we get from applauding. Self-efficacy can be achieved when one realizes that one's actions have an effect on outcomes. Self-efficacy is what our children must develop if they want to be successful. They have to do more thinking, planning and deciding, doing, doing, hoping and coping, trial and errors, dreaming, and experiencing life for themselves.

This is not to say that all children are motivated, hardworking, and independent and don't require parental involvement. Far from it. Viewing grades, scores, accolades, and awards as the purpose and goal of childhood, it is too narrow for our children to consider success. In fact, it could undermine success and certainly their happiness and sense of fulfillment. Even though they may be able to help them get better grades if they help with homework, or they might have a longer childhood resume if they help. But all of this is at the expense of their self-esteem in the long-term.

As Tony Robbins reminds us, Success without fulfillment is the ultimate failure.” I add that that failure begins in the home. I further add that parents do what they think is best, and that is commendable. No parent, I believe, sets out to set their children up for miserable childhoods. It’s never too late to course correct with learning how to apply they right tools to guide their children on the path to successful and fulfilling lives.

Parents, worry less about which college they can apply to or get into, and more about whether they have the right mindset, skills, and wellness to succeed wherever they go. It really isn’t about where they go to school, but whether they thrive here they choose to go and what they do with their degrees afterwards. Children need parents who more interested in providing a foundation for success based on love and chores. Here's the reason.

The Harvard Grant Study

The Harvard Grant Study is the longest-running longitudinal study of human beings. It found that professional success in life, which is what parents want for their children, that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a children, and the earlier they start, the better, that a roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset, a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work, someone's got to do it, it might as well be me, a mindset that says, I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole, that that's what gets you ahead in the workplace.

This is something we all know. Absolving your children of the chores around the home does not serve then well in the long run. They’ll become young adults at work, still waiting for a check list, but lacking the ability to look around and ask, "How can I help my colleagues?" How can I be a step ahead of my boss?

The Harvard Grant Study also revealed that happiness is not based on love of work. It's a love of people: our spouses, partners, friends, and families. Children must learn how to love. They can't love other people if they don’t love themselves first. And they won't be able to love themselves unconditionally if they don’t love their parents. That's right. Instead of obsessing about grades and scores when your children come home from school or work, close our devices, turn off your phones, and face your children.

Let them see the joy in your eyes when they see you for the first time in a few days. Then, ask your children, "How was your day?" What was your favorite thing about today? Your teenage daughter may say, "Lunch" but you want to hear about the math test. You still have to be interested in lunch. You have to say, "What was so great about lunch today?" They should know that they are important to you as people, and not just because of their GPA.

The colleges want top grades, accolades, awards, top scores, and grades. But here's the good news:. Contrary to what the college rankings racket would like us to believe, you don't need to attend the most prestigious school to be happy and prosperous in your life. People who are happy and successful went to school in the state, to small colleges that no one knows about, and to community college. This is the truth. The proof is here, in your communities. Open your eyes and look at more schools, and maybe get rid of your egos, then you’d be able to accept this truth.

Conclusion

All won’t be lost if your children don't attend one of these big-name schools. Even more important, if they have not lived their childhood according to a rigid checklist, then they will be able to go to college on their own, motivated by their own desires, and capable of thriving there. Children are like wildflowers of unknown species and genus. Create a nurturing environment for them, give them chores, and love them so that they can love others, and get love. Help them be their best selves, not to make them into what you want them to become.

Successful Parenting